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Over the past few months I have taken a break. I came to a point where God was clearly dealing with me on some areas in my life and as a result I have gone through many changes.  You could call it a “complete overhaul”.  Yeah thats it, a “complete overhaul” that sounds a lot better than a nervous breakdown. Anyway,  in this “time off” I resigned from my position as a student ministries pastor, took a break on grad school, and refocused on what exactly God was calling me to as a husband, friend, and minister of the gospel. I guess to properly explain what brought me to this point I should explain just where I came from and share with you a little bit of my story. First off, many of you reading this may be surprised to know that there was a time in my life where I actually did not follow Jesus. In fact, there were 18 years where I did not know Jesus as my Savior. In that time I lived somewhat of a “wild” life. Spring breaks, parties, and everything that goes with it were a part of who I was. I knew full well what it meant to walk in darkness, separated from community with God and his people. I can remember a time where I felt so alone, I know what it is like to seek acceptance through achievements, or relationships. Darkness was not foreign to me. So whenGod in his grace and sovereignty  called me out of darkness into the marvelous light of my Lord and Savior Jesus I was changed.  I traded the old life, one of darkness and despair for a new, vibrant, unpredictable, exciting life following the way of Jesus Christ. And my first 4 years as a Christian that is what I experienced. I took steps of faith, I shared with others what Christ was doing in my life, I sacrificially gave to those who were in need, I found myself in remote corners of the world serving those that the rest of the world had seemingly forgotten. I did not have a lot of money or great job security but life was full, it was the way God intended for it to be. I loved life and I trusted  God and His leading in my life. I did not try to rationalize what I felt I was being called to do. I did it! I saw some amazing things happen. I found that in my transformed life others lives were being transformed. People from the community who were know as drunks, bad fathers, womanizers, and porn addicts were yielding their lives to Jesus Christ. We found ourselves meeting together not as just at formal church functions, but as friends. We would have dinner or go out for a beer (yes a beer) and discuss what Christ was doing in our lives. We open about our struggles, we shared in eachothers pain. We celebrated births together and mourned deaths. We were a biblical community! But, as time passed I began to think that this is what it looked like for everyone who followed Jesus. I thought every church was like this.  And being that this was all I knew of the church I believed the very essence of what it meant to follow Jesus was seeing dramatic life change, selfless giving of resources and talent, true community, and reliance on God for everything. In fact, I was so secure in the idea that this was simply how the Church as a whole operated. I actually chose to leave the community of believers I was a part of to take a full time ministry position elsewhere and in doing so learned very quickly that what I had previously experienced was not the picture of Jesus everywhere.After about 6 months in my new position I had come to place where following Jesus became a job for me. I showed up at the church, taught Sunday school, and put on the face that everything was okay. But deep inside, I was dying. The very core of me was slowly drifting further and further away from what God  created me to do. I was in constant tension of my service at the church and truly following my calling as a disciple of Jesus Christ. Now don’t get me wrong I was “in ministry”. I was working my butt off. Sixty, seventy, sometimes eighty hours a week all in the name of Jesus and I gained a lot of valuable experience in that position. But it was different. I was no longer selflessly giving to others, my wife and I were not sitting down with brothers and sisters in Christ and sharing our struggles and triumphs, we were struggling and celebrating alone.  After ten months of this tension and isolation I began to have physical symptoms and on October 3, 2007 I was taken to the Emergency Room for what I thought was a heart attack. After many tests the diagnosis was a panic attack. I could not believe it. I have actually worked myself into physical symptoms for this tension I was feeling in my spirit. It was at this point I realized I had a decision to make. I had to decide whether I would simply accept the life that I had in ministry with a nice paycheck in a cozy little middle class community as a blessing from God and give up some of the ideals I held in such high regard or I had to leave and return to the ideals and way of life that had initially led me Christ. I left. I had no idea what the future held. In fact, I really was not sure how I was going to pay the next months rent. But I knew without a doubt that God had called me to something bigger. I knew that this “ideal” that most churches saw as lofty and unrealistic was possible. I know it because I have seen it. I know it doesn’t take years of clever teaching or planning the right events. Just do it. Love people the way Jesus calls us to and they will be changed. Feed the hungry, invest in one another. God will do the rest.Which leads me to where I am at today. Contemplating the next step, what does it look like, where will it be, what role will I play in it? Through a series of seemingly unfortunate circumstances the community that I originally was a part of is closing it’s doors and there is a potential opportunity that I would be able to return there as the senior pastor with a new leadership team and fresh vision. I am extremely excited about the possibility of this and I am praying through who may be involved. It seems like a big step, but thats the only way I know.